i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
