What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I have tasted many bathrooms
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
