There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
