she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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