He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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