I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
