Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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