i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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