Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
