Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
