I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
