i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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