Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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