when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
