I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
