Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
