Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
