the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
