I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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