I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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