I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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