New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
