wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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