a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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