when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
