You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
