I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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