Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
