I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
