Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
