My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
