I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
