Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
