Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
