He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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