something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He passed out mid-signature
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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