Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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