The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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