the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
