He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Every concussion has its silver lining
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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