the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
We need to get me chipped asap
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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