My sheets look like a crime scene.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
