The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
