fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
