I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
