My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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