A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
