I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
