Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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