As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
