he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
