I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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