I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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