your thong is hanging out like whoa
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
