True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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