LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
