I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
