This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize