woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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