I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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