I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
